peace

Every morning, my husband and I do about 15 minutes of yoga together. A quarantine habit that stuck, we lay our mats in the living room floor and start our day with a short practice. Our YouTube yogi, Kassandra, always encourages us to come up with an intention–a word or phrase for how we want the day to go.

It’s been 21 years since my daddy died. Today, on the anniversary of his death, Today, my intention was “peaceful.” Peaceful for him, wherever he is.

Peaceful for me as I continue to exist without him.

I’m so thankful to have a stepdad who’s exactly the kind of father you want to have–attentive, funny, supportive, always there with a word of advice when you need it. My stepdad (who I just call “Dad”) is like the dads I saw on TV growing up. He’s what I always hoped to have, and I’m grateful he stepped into that role in my life.

But my daddy is always present, even in absentia.

My daddy suffered from alcoholism; that’s ultimately what took his life. Even though I know he was sick, I can’t help but feel like he gave up on our family. He didn’t try to get better for us (at least that’s what my my 9-year-old perspective gathered). I’ll never know what he thought, or felt, or hoped for in those last few years he was alive.

I wish I could come to peace with that, the not knowing.

Would my parents have stayed married? Would my daddy and I have a close relationship? I have so many questions I’ll never know the answers to. I’ll never know how things would have been had he gotten treatment, and it tears me apart inside.

I try to comfort myself with the thought that maybe someday we’ll be reunited. Maybe my daddy will be waiting for me, ready to take my hand and lead me into wherever we go when our lives end. Maybe we’ll finally get to sit, and talk, and cry, and he’ll answer the questions that have run through my mind since he died 21 years ago today.

Until then, I’ll think of him and ask the universe to keep things peaceful…for both of us.

Let It Go

Ever overhear someone talking bad about another person and just know they were talking about you?

Yeah, me too. It happened Saturday night, in fact. I’m sure the ladies didn’t expect me to hear the conversation, but I heard it nonetheless. I won’t tell you exactly what was said, but I can tell you that most people would probably let it go.

But I can’t.

That’s the problem with me and my anxiety. I can’t just let shit go. And I can’t articulate what’s happening in my mind to anyone else–my words never feel strong enough to make someone else feel what I’m going through.

So I pretend. I act like nothing is bothering me. Even when anxiety is constantly looping in my brain, threatening to push me into panic mode, I smile and pretend like everything is fine. It’s been this way for as long as I can remember. Saturday night I pretended to be looking up something on my phone to make the ladies think I hadn’t heard them, or didn’t care enough to acknowledge that I did.

I haven’t mentioned what happened on Saturday to anyone until now, but trust I’ve been thinking about it nonstop since it happened. It happened after an event I’d helped plan, one that I thought was pretty successful. But apparently someone had issues with me and my departure from the event, which was the conversation I overheard.

I wish I could just not care.

I wish I could remember that the event was successful and someone’s small comment doesn’t overshadow that.

I wish I could remember that what other people think about me doesn’t matter.

But too many times, I can’t let it go.

So I’m setting a new intention for 2018: let it go!

  • Let negativity go.
  • Let stress go.
  • Let other people’s opinions of me go.
  • Let drama go.
  • Let my unrealistically high expectations for myself go.
  • Let doubt go.

Not saying I’ll have it mastered by the end of the year, but I’m damn sure gonna try.

What are your methods for overcoming anxiety?