Do you ever stop to think about the specific combination of events that brought you to this moment? The decisions you or others made that led you here? I do (too often if I’m honest with myself).

We are the products of the choices we make, and I like to think I’ve made some pretty decent choices throughout my life. But it can also be surmised that we are the product of others choices too (at least to a certain extent). Would I still be where I am–who I am–if the people around me made different choices?

In college, I grew very close to someone on my speech and debate team. From the moment we met we just clicked, and we became best friends. We supported each other through breakups, had tons of fun at speech tournaments and parties, even lived together for a time. After I graduated and we moved to different states, I thought our friendship was solid.

Until it wasn’t.

I was going through an abusive relationship and I admit I wasn’t the best friend I could be. When I reached out to my friend, it was usually after a bad bout with my ex when I needed support and a listening ear. She grew frustrated that I wouldn’t leave him and said as much in a particularly heated phone exchange. That was the last time I spoke to her.

In hindsight I understand her perspective; she was tired of seeing her friend crying and hurt. She made a decision to no longer contact me. I can’t make assumptions about what spurred her decision to cease communication, but I know I was too embarrassed about my situation to reach out to her after that. Eventually I did exit the abusive relationship, but my friendship never recovered.

Maybe it was the chemistry of that moment: a combination of too much distance, not enough communication, and the heat of emotion. (A sprinkle more awareness and a dash less pride on my end probably would have been helpful in the situation too, I see that now.) But who truly knows what combination of elements–on my former friend’s end and mine–would have made the friendship successful?

Maybe it was never meant to be more than it was.

But what I know now is what I know now. Each of us makes decisions we feel are best based on the information we have at the moment, and relationships are not science. But like any good chemist, I’ll apply what I learned to future experiments relationships and hopefully achieve better outcomes.