Today, I’m loving my training skills. My manager and I met today (as we do each week). She reviewed the trainee evaluations from one of my recent classes. Not only were my scores nearly perfect, my co-trainer also saw a marked improvement in her scores–more so than with any other person she’s trained with!
My natural public speaking abilities and deep knowledge of our product are my favorite things about myself today!
It’s been a rough few weeks, folks.
Work has been crazy busy lately, and it took a toll on me. Between all day customer classes, exam reviews for internals, required meetings, and ton of other commitments, I barely had time to breathe. There were some several days during that two week period where I didn’t eat anything all at work because there simply wasn’t time for it. After work, I headed home to take care of household duties–laundry, dishes, meals, and caring for my fiance and our three boys. I was exhausted physically and mentally. Emotionally, I was a wreck–I was so overwhelmed with everything on my plate, constantly a few seconds from tears.
Then I started listening to Pitch Perfect radio on Pandora and I finally found some clarity.
No, it wasn’t the a capella covers and Glee mash-ups that brought me some sanity. It was a single song, Titanium by David Guetta ft. Sia. This song was all over the radio when it came out in 2011; it was also covered in the movie Pitch Perfect (hence why it showed up on my Pandora station). It’s more of a dance song, which probably explains why I never really paid attention to all the lyrics–too busy shakin’ my groove thang–but the words in the song really gave me strength during a time when I was feeling especially down.
“I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won’t fall
I am titanium”
Titanium: the stuff airplanes, spacecraft, and missiles are made of. Talk about being able to handle tough situations.
After hearing that song a number of times on the station and finally listening to the lyrics, I realized that I *am* titanium. Even with the 12-hour work days and endless amount of chores to do at home, even with the stress and competing priorities, no one can knock me down but me.
“You shoot me down, but I won’t fall–I am titanium.”
Things were going well…until I got that email.
“That” email was from a trainee in some classes I taught in early October. “That” email said said I was “completely inadequate” and “taught my class nothing.” “That” email took me completely by surprise.
Since I’ve moved into my new role (corporate trainer) my life has been great. The stress of traveling, customer issues, and implementation overall wasn’t for me–I was extremely unhappy and didn’t feel like I was my best self in that role. As a trainer, I actually look forward to going to work–coming in on weekends even–and feel like I’m using my talents to make my company better.
After I got “that” email, I didn’t feel that way anymore. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, less than enough. Which, admittedly, isn’t a foreign feeling to me. Growing up I never felt skinny enough or pretty enough, never black enough or white enough to fit in. In college speech I didn’t feel dedicated enough; in my sorority I didn’t feel cool enough. In relationships–don’t even get me started. That’s another blog post entirely.
One of my favorite shows Smash (about a musical based on Marilyn Monroe) featured a song called Never Give All the Heart. In it, Marilyn sang about her past loves and how she always gave everything she had only to receive nothing in return; she wished she hadn’t given her whole heart to have it returned in pieces. It’s easier that way, holding back. If you don’t leap, you won’t fall and possibly get hurt. But it isn’t the way to live. God gives us tests to make us better and teach us lessons that will make us the people He needs us to be.
So “that” email isn’t worrying this girl anymore. I’ve got some work to do absolutely, but I’m not inadequate by any means. I’m giving all I have in this job because I know I have what it takes–no one is going to make me feel like “that” anymore.
How have you dealt with feelings of inadequacy? What advice would you give to someone in that situation?
Never Give All the Heart
I think I love my job.
You wouldn’t have heard me saying that earlier this year. In fact, you would have seen my frustration and stress in every glance and halfhearted wave in passing. I looked for new jobs on my lunch break and cried myself to sleep in hotel rooms on business trips.
And then, just when I was at my lowest, God blessed me with an opportunity to switch roles at my company. It would mean a salary cut of over $30,000 but it would also mean little travel and constant use of my greatest skill (public speaking).
And now, after just a few months in this new position, I think I love my job. I look forward to going into the office on the weekends to get things done. I volunteer for new tasks and feel purposeful every single day. And that’s something I never saw coming.
What is your dream career? What are you doing now to reach that goal?
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