Category Archives: She. Me. Her.

The Crash (A Hate Poem for Depression)

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The Crash is The Crash because it hits you.  Hard.

The Crash laughs at you for thinking everything would be okay. “When has it ever been okay?  When have you ever been okay?”

The Crash wakes you up exhausted after a full night’s sleep.  Keeps you up at night.  Turns your stomach.  Takes your breath.

The Crash begs you to stay inside.  “You’re too weak to make it through the day.  You can’t even get out of this bed.”

Sometimes, The Crash wins.  You stay.  Cry.  Dry your tears. Cry. Just…cry. 

Sometimes, you can’t (won’t) stay.  You get up because you have to, need to.

The Crash vows to destroy your day anyway.  

The Crash ruins your makeup before you finish putting it on, keeps a gleeful tally of how many times you cover the tracks of tears on your cheeks.

The Crash brings you to tears anywhere:  walking into work, in the produce section of the grocery store, on a treadmill at the gym.  The Crash hopes no one notices and smirks when they don’t.  “When has anyone ever noticed you?”

The Crash mocks the brave face you put on. Chuckles when you say, text, think, “I’m fine.” “You just keep on wearing that fake smile, girl. You may fool them, but you won’t fool me.”

You work through it. You always do. But…

The Crash always happens again. 

Eating Well and Helping Out #100HappyDays

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Day 94:  Eating well makes me happy.  I’ve mentioned it a few times on the blog but for those who may not know, I’m a vegetarian.  (Fun fact:  July 8 was my one year veggie-versary!)  I originally became vegetarian in order to eat healthier and improve my lifestyle, but quickly fell into the habit of eating very unhealthy vegetarian foods.  (Another fun fact:  French fries and cheese pizza are in fact vegetarian, but they aren’t the best foods for you.  #TheMoreYouKnow)  I’ve also been working with a personal trainer, and he encouraged me to start a food diary to keep up with the number of calories and amount of protein I’m eating (peep this post for more on that).  Now I know it’s possible to have a delicious, filling dinner for under 700 calories!  (Final fun fact:  This does not mean I’m never going to each french fries or cheese pizza again.  A lady has to indulge every now and again.)

Day 95:  Helping out my company makes me happy.  I actually have *two* days in the office this week!  And I chose to spend two hours of each one not working in my office.  (That’s #assbackwards I know.)  Our annual company picnic is on Saturday, and I’m helping out with advance registration. Volunteering for this internal opportunity made me happy in a few ways:

  1. I get to spend time in a part of campus that I never go to.
  2. I met three really cool coworkers that I probably wouldn’t have talked otherwise.  (In a company of 9000+ people, it’s easy to work with folks you’ve never met.)
  3. I got to brush off my retail customer service skills.
  4. I got to pick up my own tickets in advance.
  5. I got a free t-shirt!

Throwing Shade, Writing Poems, and Saying Goodbye #100HappyDays

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Day 73:  Throwing shade makes me happy.  Two of my very best squirrel friends, Kathy and Julia, love RuPaul’s Drag Race as much as I do.  We have a call every two weeks to throw shade on the current season (and also to catch up on life).  Hearing their opinions on the queens and latest life updates makes me so happy.

Day 74:  Using analogies makes me happy.  As someone who teaches adults every day, I’ve come to realize that the adult brain learns a bit differently than the child brain does.  So, I like to come up with fun analogies to help my trainees learn the new information.  The analogy I used this time?  Chip and Joanna Gaines from HGTV’s Fixer Upper.  🙂  A lot of my trainees said they had a “light bulb moment” after hearing that analogy, so I think I’ll keep using it!

Day 75: Being creative make me happy.  Speaking of teaching adults, I wrote a haiku for my class because they were so awesome.  They had great question and paid excellent attention during class, so I wrote them a quick poem to express my gratitude.  They really liked it!

Day 76: Weddings make me happy.  My boyfriend invited me to the wedding of one of his coworkers.  It was beautiful!  The weather was perfect for the outdoor ceremony, and the groom cried when the bride walked down the aisle (So sweet!).  I had a great time meeting the groom, bride, and other folks my boyfriend works with–and the cake was delicious!

Day 77: Reliving my childhood makes me happy.  I downloaded a bunch of sweet 90s music and it really took me back to “the good old days.”  You know–the days when I got summers off and didn’t have to pay bills.  Here’s one of the many songs I got–enjoy!

 

Day 78: Getting fit makes me happy. Today was my monthly weigh-in at the gym–and I lost 3.6 lbs!  I’m really working on lowering the number of calories I eat and getting enough protein in my diet.  Hopefully next month I’ll have even better progress!

Day 79: Getting rid of old stuff makes me happy.  Today I sold Raven, my old car. It was a bittersweet moment–that car was my college graduation gift and saw me through my first apartment, a move to Madison, and six snowy Wisconsin winters.  But now that I have Stella (peep this post to meet her) I couldn’t justify keeping Raven too.  The money I got from selling Raven will go toward paying down my credit card. (Not a fun way to spend the cash, I know, but #adulting)  I hope Raven’s new owners enjoy her as much as I did!

Raven

Ride on, Raven! Thanks for nine awesome years!

Friends, Fathers, and Fitness #100HappyDays

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Day 67:  Great conversations make me happy.  Cornelius (my bestie from college) and I had a wonderful phone conversation–I love catching up with him!  We even made plans to get together in person later this summer and I can’t wait.

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Corn and me last summer. You could say we were excited to see each other.

Day 68:  Fridays make me happy.  Sometimes you just gotta celebrate the end of the workweek!

Day 69:  Morning walks make me happy.  My boyfriend and I took a walk around the neighborhood before the heat of the day (and the rain) set it, and it was awesome.

Day 70:  Celebrating fathers makes me happy.  Father’s Day!  This day is tough for me (check this post for reasons why) but I was joyful because I got to celebrate two awesome men in my life.  My stepdad (whom I just call “Dad”) is one of the greatest men I’ve ever known (look here to see just how awesome he is).  Even though we didn’t get to celebrate together, I loved hearing his voice on the phone and was glad I got to tell him how much he means to me.  My boyfriend and I also made dinner for his parents so we could celebrate his dad–a great day spent honoring great men!

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The two men who shaped me into who I am: my biological father (top) and my stepdad (bottom).

Day 71:  Learning more about fitness makes me happy.  I had a session with my personal trainer and we talked about how diet impacts fitness goals.  He sent me home with a task to complete–track all my food for the day so we can review it during our next session.  I’m excited to find ways to improve my diet (and hopefully improve the results from my workouts)!

Day 72:  Office days make me happy.  This is my last office day before a straight week of training customers.  Trust that I’m savoring the moments of working in solitude with my headphones in.  🙂

Movies, Flea Markets, and Parental Advice #100HappyDays

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Day 54: Curriculum design makes me happy. I spent most of the day working on new stuff for work, and it was…kind of awesome. Most people wouldn’t be geeked to spend a whole day in front of Word documents and Excel spreadsheets, but putting together this new program to help people learn our software better makes this geeky gal pretty happy. 

Day 55: Movies make me happy. Especially when you can watch them in the comfort of your own home–DVDs from the library for the win! 

Day 56: Flea markets make me happy. Yes, you read that right:  flea markets. My daddy and I used to go to the flea market all the time when I was little; I loved seeing all the cool stuff for sale. So, when I found out a flea market was going on near my house I definitely wanted to check it out. I didn’t buy anything, but I did see some interesting stuff–I’d love to go to more flea markets now that the weather is nice. 

Day 57: Parental advice makes me happy. At least once a week, I call my parents to catch up…and also ask for advice (usually about basic adult stuff that I should probably know already, but don’t). Lucky for me, they are always willing to give it andddd it’s always great advice! Win-win!

Day 58: Being in a supportive relationship makes me happy.  My boyfriend is there for me whenever I need him, and I am so lucky (and happy) because of it. 

Long Weekends and Lifelong Friends #100HappyDays

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Day 47-51:  Long weekends make me happy.  I originally planned to go back home to Kentucky for Memorial Day, but ended up doing a staycation instead.  I got so much stuff done around the house–I wish I had a four-day workweek all the time.  My house would be spotless!  For Memorial Day, my boyfriend and I relaxed and grilled veggie kebabs.  This long weekend was the perfect blend of work and play.

Day 52:  Office days make me happy.  This was my first day back after the long weekend and I’m so glad I didn’t have to jump into teaching right away.  Having the time to get through my backlog of email and work on projects (with quickly approaching deadlines) was a great way to come back from vacation.

Day 53:  Lifelong friends make me happy.  I’ve known my best friend (Gabby) since fourth grade.  We went through middle and high school together, but ended up at different colleges and now live in different states.  Our bond is still just as strong though; she is the sister I never had.  We chatted on the phone and it was like no time had passed, even though the last time I saw her was at Christmas.  I’m so happy that she’s still in my life after all these years!

Besties!

Seeing New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys–we dreamed of this day since we were kids!

Making Bands and Moving Forward #100HappyDays

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Day 26:  The fact that this is Day 26 makes me happy.  Y’all remember Making the Band, right?!?  Well if not, here’s a fun reminder for you:

Day 27:  Getting rid of stuff from my past makes me happy.  I finally sold the engagement ring my ex-fiance gave me!  In case you’re unaware, my engagement was not a great one as my ex-fiance was abusive.  I initially held on to the engagement ring as part of legal proceedings with my ex, but those proceedings have been finalized now so I decided to get rid of the ring.  And it feels so good to have one less thing that reminds me of that terrible relationship.

Day 28:  Dinner with my boyfriend makes me happy.  My boyfriend is the best, y’all.  I feel like he really gets me, like we’re on the same brainwaves.  He’s also vegan, so I’ve been expanding my culinary horizons since we’ve been dating.  We made these delicious vegan burgers, and they tasted even better because I was enjoying his company as well.  🙂

Day 29:  A good cardio session makes me happy.  I did an hour of cardio instead of my usual 30 minutes (before my personal training session) and I felt GOOD.  I really worked up a sweat–I practically had to drag myself back to my car I was so tired–but it was totally worth it to ensure I stay fit and healthy.

Day 30:  Writing this blog makes me happy.  Since I started doing #100HappyDays, I’ve updated my blog more frequently than ever.  This makes me extremely happy!  I love getting new followers and finding new awesome blogs to follow as a result.  I love having a forum to say what I’m thinking and share it publicly.  I also love that I can write private posts that no one will ever see just to get things off my chest.

Bonus:  Lots of links make me happy!  I love linking to other websites from my blog.  And this post has three links and an imbedded video, so I am a very happy camper.  🙂

Life and Blackness #100HappyDays

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Day 24: Being alive makes me happy.

Yesterday was a tough day for me.  I was feeling very overwhelmed by some legal issues I’m going through with my ex-fiance.  But even with all the stress and struggle, I was happy to have woken up and drawn breath.  As the great philosopher Pitbull once surmised, “Every day above ground is a great day.”

Day 25:  Black medical professionals make me happy.  

This week is the second week of my company’s customer conference, and I’ve been helping out by participating in a simulation lab.  Last week I was a “radio show host”, and this week I am a “sick patient” and medical professionals come in and conduct an “office visit” with me (so we can analyze how people use our software).  Today, I had a Black nurse practitioner participate and I was so happy to see her!  She was so kind and really worked to take care of me and make me feel better, even though it was just a simulation.  I have never in my entire life had a Black doctor–much less a Black woman doctor.  I would love to receive care from a medical professional who understands my unique issues as a Black woman.  We need more Black medical professionals!

Being Happy #100HappyDays

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Day 18: Being happy makes me happy. 

I know you’re like, “What kind of Inception shit is that?” 🙂 Further explanation is required, so awwwwwwwww here it goes:

Today I was working at the tech helpdesk for our customer conference. I spoke with quite a few coworkers, and two of them gave me the same compliment: “Every time I see you, you are so happy and energetic. I’ve never seen you have a bad day.” 

That definitely put a smile on my face because I have plenty of bad days. I’ve got a number of issues I’m battling right now, but I always try to treat people how I want to be treated. I always attempt to put positivity into the world because I believe you get what you give. Sometimes it’s hard to be upbeat, but I try. And I appreciate that people see the effort. 

Safe Travels, Staff Meetings, Dinners, and Open Doors #100HappyDays

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Four days of happiness comin’ atcha in three…two…ONE:

Day 7:  Safe travels make me happy.  My parents headed back to Kentucky on this day, so it was bittersweet for me.  I was sad to see them go, but happy when I got the text from my mom telling me they made it back safely.  I always worry about them when they travel–too many crazy drivers out there for my comfort–so getting the confirmation that their travels were safe put a big smile on my face.

Day 8:  Staff Meeting (oddly enough) makes me happy.  Most folks wouldn’t say they enjoy attending a staff meeting at work, especially when that meeting is over two hours long.  But I enjoy attending the monthly staff meeting at my company.  I like learning what’s new with the company and the software and hearing our CEO speak about topics related to the business we do.  I also appreciate the monthly grammar tip–who doesn’t want to improve their grammar?  🙂

Day 9:  Making dinner with my boyfriend makes me happy.  I’ve always been able to throw a recipe together, but wasn’t really someone who enjoyed cooking.  That changed after I started cooking with my boyfriend.  We make dinners together a few nights a week and it is always more fun cooking with him than when I cook solo.  Whether we’re trying something completely new or making an old favorite, we always have a good time.  (And the food usually turns out pretty great too!  Check out my Instagram for photos of some of the meals we’ve made.)

Day 10:  Being appreciated makes me happy.  After pinch-hitting for a coworker who was out with a sick kiddo this week, my team lead (TL) told me I was “the reason why we keep the doors open for HIM training.”  Apparently this isn’t the only time someone has said that–she said she stole the phrase from another TL who supervised me while my TL was out on maternity leave!  In a company of 9,000+ people, it’s easy to fly under the radar.  I love helping others and I don’t need to be recognized for it, but knowing that someone notices and appreciates the ways I help out makes me very happy indeed.