Vulnerability

The world is not a safe place for vulnerable Black girls.

A few weeks ago, my therapist told me that vulnerability is something we should work on. She said I don’t trust people.

Well, duh. I know firsthand that the world is not a safe place for vulnerable Black girls.

After our session, I tried to think of when I first learned that lesson.

Was it sixth grade, when I wrote a note to my secret crush (a white boy) and he laughed while reading it aloud to the entire class?

Was it my 13th birthday, when I planned a big party, invited everyone I knew from school, and only two people showed up?   

Was it the summer after my sophomore year in college, when the man I loved dumped me but still strung me along so he could have someone to clean his apartment and cook for him?

Was it when I was publicly shamed by a dentist for crying out in pain during a root canal?

Was it the multiple instances of racism, sexism, or the brutal combination of both known as misogynoir that I’ve experienced in my life?

Most likely.

I truly wish that I could open up and be myself with everyone. But lessons learned the hard way are ones not quickly forgotten.

This world is not a safe place for vulnerable Black girls.

So Amazing

So, I just listened to the first episode of the podcast I narrated Who Killed Julie? and it was so amazing!  (And no, I’m not just saying that because I narrated it.)

This podcast is different because it’s fiction that tackles a very real subject–domestic abuse.  As a domestic abuse survivor, I know firsthand how hard it can be to recover from such a terrible experience.  The podcast creator, Paul Sating, is using this series to bring light to the issue and support survivors.  How awesome is that?!?  It’s one thing to use the topic to get listens, but to actually use this platform to help people who’ve gone through this ordeal is honorable and so needed in today’s times.

With all that’s going on in regards to women and sexual assault in America today, Who Killed Julie? is a necessary listen.  For those who ask why she didn’t fight back, why she didn’t report it back then, if she was drinking, what she was wearing, and all the other bullshit excuses for terrible behaviors on the part of men, you should listen to this.  This is a story of a woman who experienced something truly terrible–lost her life even–and the reason why will chill you to the bone.

Check out Who Killed Julie? on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, Spotify, and Stitcher!

The Weight

I pulled in to Nazareth, I was feelin’ ’bout a half past dead
I just need some place where I can lay my head
Hey mister, can you tell me where a girl might find a bed (can you tell me)
He just grinned and shook my hand, no was all he said

-Aretha Franklin, ‘The Weight’

If you’re wondering why I haven’t posted lately, it’s because I’ve been feeling the weight.

An unarmed Black man was murdered by a police officer in his own apartment.

Brett Kavanaugh will likely become part of the Supreme Court.

Wisconsin, where I live, is slowly recovering from historic flooding that destroyed many structures and even killed someone.

The White House is in chaos.

As a Black woman in America, getting through each day lately has been utterly exhausting.  Watching the news makes me so anxious, but I can’t not watch–I need to know how close to oblivion we are getting.  Unfortunately, we are inching closer and closer every day.

The weight is bearing down on me.  It’s bearing down on a lot of us.

But I can’t let it take me out.  We can’t let it bring us down.

We have to continue to help and love each other, regardless of what we look like or how much money we have or where we’re from.

We have to fight back against those trying to tear apart our country with racism and discrimination.

We have to keep moving forward.

Yes, I’m still feeling the weight.  The struggle to make it through each day is still very real.  But I like to think that my muscles are getting stronger.  I’m trying to find something positive in each day to keep me moving forward.

I hope you are too.

 

 

Me. Mine.

It was during high school, one afternoon, in an upstairs hallway.

I’d come to the conclusion I wanted to end the relationship.  We’d been together awhile (probably around a year) and while things were good at times, overall things were bad.  My boyfriend–my first real boyfriend–was clingy, demanding and manipulative.  He wanted to plan matching outfits every day.  He constantly compared our relationship, especially the physical aspect (really, the lack thereof), to his best friend.  If I was having a good day and he wasn’t, he went out of his way to ignore me until my day was shitty too.

So, I told him it was over.  He rested his head against the wall, silent.  I though the conversation went as well as it possibly could have…until he reared back and slammed his forehead into the glass of a picture frame hanging on the wall.  In disbelief, I backed toward a classroom door, hoping to escape quickly.

Locked.

Shock quickly turned to fear.

Luckily, other students were farther down the hallway and heard the commotion.  I hurried back to class and frantically told my teacher what happened; she rushed out to assist him.  My cousin came to check on me and I told him I was fine, he hadn’t hurt me.

The painful part came afterward, when I was asked to keep quiet about what happened.

My ex begged me not to tell anyone what happened.  He hoped to join the military and worried this would negatively impact his chances.  His mom and sister came to me with the same request.  I was horrified.  was supposed to protect him? He was upset, they said.  That behavior wasn’t like him; his future was at stake.

He.  Him.

My college boyfriend–my first real love–went home for the summer while I stayed in town and worked.  Toward the end of the summer, he told me he wanted to take me out to dinner–to talk to me about something–when he got back.  He was very mysterious, refusing to tell me what he wanted to talk about, and I thought for sure he was going to propose.  Turns out, he wanted to break up.  (Thank God I got him to tell me over the phone instead of in a restaurant.)

But after that, we were still cordial…until he got upset with me for not buying a computer from him.  See, he worked at a computer store and I came in one day and bought a brand new laptop–but not while he was on shift.  He could have used that commission, he said.  He thought I would have wanted to help him out.

He.  Him.

Too often, women are expected to take ownership for what men do.  Recently, the trial and conviction of Bill Cosby illuminates this disgusting facet of our society.  Why did she go to his hotel room?  What did she expect would happen?  Why is she coming forward now?  He’s an old man; he’ll die in prison because of this.  What about him, his legacy as a Black actor?

He.  Him.

It sickens me for a number of reasons, but mostly because it happened to me.  I completely understand the anger, the sadness, the frustration, and the guilt that comes with being made to feel like you have to take care of someone totally able to care for himself.

Women are socialized to care, to nurture, to feel.  We are expected to be firm, but kind.  We are taught to be nice. Even at our own expense.

This goes for everyone, but especially for women–we need to start taking care of ourselves.  It isn’t selfish to protect yourself from harm.  It isn’t mean to tell the truth.

Honestly, I hesitated to even write this post. What if my two exes, their friends and families, got upset with me? What if I hurt their feelings? What if I made them mad?

Then I realized–I can’t worry about them. I have to worry about me. One of my intentions this year is to speak my truth. I’m finally telling the truth I’ve felt obligated to keep quiet for so long.

Me. Mine.

You don’t owe anyone your self-esteem, your time, your money, or your silence–especially if they aren’t willing to positively invest in you.

Pura Vida: Part 3

We’re drawing nearer to the end of this four-part series on the mother/daughter trip of a lifetime–a tour of Costa Rica!  If you’re just now checking out this series, make sure to go back and read Part 1 and Part 2–trust me, you wanna know about all the cool/funny/awesome moments Mom and I shared during the first two legs of our trip.  🙂  And now…

Day 6 (continued):  Arrival Day in Guanacaste!

Another day, another early morning pickup–our van arrived at 6:45am to take us to the final stop on our Costa Rican adventure.  The van ride was long and the roads were winding, but the views along the way were absolutely breathtaking.

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Adios, volcano!

And when we got to Guanacaste, the view was even better!

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Hola endless blue skies and beautiful blue ocean!

We arrived at our hotel before our room was ready so to pass the time, we browsed in a few shops and had lunch at a vegan restaurant.  It was delicious!

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Sweet and sour veggies with Asian slaw for me and “ice cream” cake for Mom!

With a few more minutes until check-in, we hung out at the bar until the front desk manager told us our room was ready.  The room was absolutely adorable–inside and out!

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Artwork outside the room…

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…and inside too!

 

Our room was also very close to the pool, so we slipped into our swimsuits, grabbed our books, and enjoyed some delicious cocktails poolside.  We we definitely feeling the #puravida vibes.

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Relaxing.  Refreshing.  Amazing!

The rain kept us inside again that night, but the skies were clear when we woke up.  We took advantage of that by hitting the streets of Guanacaste!

Day 7:  Guanacaste!

Breakfast at the hotel kicked off our beach day!  We spent some time checking out the different stores on the strip, then found a restaurant with a patio on the beach for even more relaxing in the sun.

You wouldn’t think that chilling on the beach would make two ladies work up such an appetite, but it surely did.  We asked the front desk manager at our hotel for some recommendations for lunch, and he hooked us ALL the way up.  He talked to a friend of his who owned a restaurant called The Roof.  We quickly learned how it earned its name–it was a ROOFTOP pizza place!  The restaurant wasn’t open yet, but the owner opened up early just for us.  Talk about #VIP treatment!

The view was amazing, and the pizza was absolutely divine.  Just see for yourself:

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The Roof

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The Roof

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Delicioso!

After that fantastic lunch, it was more of the same awesome stuff:  drinks and reading by the pool.  It may sound lame, but the hotel was such a wonderful place that we didn’t really want to leave it.  (If you’re ever in the area, I highly recommend Hotel Pasatiempo!)

And the rain lulled us to sleep yet again…

Day 8:  Guanacaste!

You can probably guess what we filled our time with on our remaining day in Guanacaste…

  • Shopping – check
  • Eating – check
  • Enjoying delicious drinks on the beach – check
  • Generally being fabulous – double check!

We made a few new friends at the different beach side restaurants we dined at too:

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Friend 1:  Sleepy!

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Friend 2:  Hungry!

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Friend 3:  Squirrel-ly?

This was one of my favorite days of the trip because Mom and I got to really vacation.  We didn’t do anything we didn’t feel like doing.  We enjoyed decadent desserts and didn’t care about the calories.  And we talked–which meant the most to me.

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Enjoying a sweet treat with the sweetest woman I know–my mommy!

Day 9:  Journey to San Jose!

Saying goodbye to Guanacaste was terrible.  But we had to make our way back to San Jose to catch our flight back home.  It’s almost like the universe knew we didn’t want to leave:  this transport was the worst van ride of all (it almost made me carsick!) and we were stuck in traffic for a longggggg time.  (Long enough that our van driver flagged down a bread vendor and bought a loaf.  Guess he figured he might as well have a snack since we weren’t moving at all!)

After we finally made it to San Jose, we grabbed a quick snack while we waited for our room to be ready.  This was my final Spanish test, as the restaurant staff didn’t speak any English at ALL.  I guess I passed (because they gave us the cake and coffee we ordered) and after we settled up our bill we checked into our last hotel room of the trip.

We read more, uploaded tons of pictures of our trip to social media, and checked in with loved ones back home.  Dinner was room service in the hotel room and our lullaby was the heavy deluge that is a hallmark of the rainy season in Costa Rica.

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Nighttime in San Jose

Day 10:  Departure Day in San Jose!

Our dreaded final day in Costa Rica–after a whirlwind of fun and adventure, it was time to say goodbye.

I’m a momma’s girl through and through, so I hated saying goodbye to my #1.  But, at least it wouldn’t be goodbye for too long–I’d see her again at Thanksgiving in November.  I’ve said this a million times, but only because it’s true:  I’m so thankful to have a mother who loves me so much.  She sacrificed a lot so I could have a great life, and I could never ever EVER repay her.

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Mother and daughter after the trip of a lifetime!

Yes, our trip was over, but…this series isn’t!  Check back soon for the final part of my Pura Vida series–it’s the best part for sure.  🙂

Pura Vida: Part 2

Welcome to Part 2 of my Costa Rican adventure with my wonderful mother!  If you haven’t checked out Pura Vida: Part 1, please do–you definitely want to check out our adventures in Tortuguero.  Two words:  zip lining!  🙂  And now…

Day 4 (continued):  Arrival Day in La Fortuna!

Our last morning in Tortuguero was beautiful–hot and sunny with bright blue skies.  It was tough to leave, but leave we did (after a final breakfast).  After the boat ride back to the mainland, we hopped on a bus and took a ride to a restaurant for lunch.

Lunch was buffet-style with the BEST FRESH SALSA I’VE EVER TASTED.  (Let me say this right now–one thing that did not disappoint during this trip was the food.  I’m a vegetarian, and I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to find enough options while I was there.  Not only was there wonderful fresh fruit at ever meal, there was frequently salad with fresh veggies and lots of other tasty meat-free options!)

After lunch, a van picked us up to drive us to La Fortuna.  The trip was lengthy, but just like before, we were able to see a lot of the smaller towns on our journey.

As we got closer to La Fortuna, we could start to see the volcano.  Yes, an actual VOLCANO!  Was I a little scared that the volcano would spontaneously erupt and we’d die from the molten lava?  Absolutely.  Was I willing to sacrifice that to take in the beautiful view of the volcano from our hotel room.  ABSOLUTELY.  Just look at this beautiful view!

 

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Like the garden of Eden!

The hotel we stayed in had a few more amenities than our previous place in Tortuguero.  We had wi-fi in our room.  We had towels folded into cute animal shapes.  We had a TV with premium channels.  We had multiple poolside bars.  We had room service.  And we had…(wait for it)…air conditioning!  #thankyoulord

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Hello, butterfly.

After we got settled in, we walked around the rest of the site.  Our room was awesome, and the rest of the place was even better–check out some of the cool stuff on site:

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A playground..for animals!  Hotel staff put out leftover fruit each day to attract lots of colorful birds.

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Poolside view

 

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Just a hottie sitting next to a hot spring.  🙂  But seriously, the hot springs were over 100 degrees!

We eventually made our way to one of the poolside bars…

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Enjoy a drink poolside?  You don’t have to ask me twice!

Happy hour was going on, so we enjoyed a few drinks and watched the Costa Rican national soccer team on TV.  (They won!)

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Two pura vidas, please!

After the game and drinks and dinner at the bar, we went back to our room to get some much-needed rest.

Day 5:  La Fortuna!

This was the first day that we didn’t have any excursions or tours planned–we could do what we wanted, when we wanted.  Turns out, what we wanted was a relaxing day of shopping in town–and that’s exactly what we got.

We had another good breakfast at the hotel, then took a cab into town.  We purchased souvenirs for our loved ones back home including, but not limited to, Costa Rican coffee.  I bought eight bags of coffee to bring home–Mom ended up getting about 10!  We needed to share the blessing of authentic Costa Rican coffee with all of our friends and family back home.

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Downtown La Fortuna

 

We bought so many souvenirs we couldn’t even carry them all comfortably–we ended up buying tote bags to put the souvenirs in!  All that shopping worked up a definitely appetite, so we stopped for a bite to eat.

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Lunch date with my favorite lady!

After fries and milkshakes in a cute open air restaurant, we went back to the hotel for more relaxation.  Since we were in Costa Rica during the rainy season, we spent a lot of evenings chilling in our room because of the torrential downpour that started at about 6:30 each evening.  We got a lot of reading done and slept very comfortably after our full day in La Fortuna.

Day 6:  Journey to Guanacaste!

Luckily we got some good rest during the night, because we got picked up at 6:45am the next day to head to our final tour stop–Guanacaste.  Check back soon for Part 3 of our Costa Rican adventure!